Creepypasta Shenanigans
by LadyTwat
Summary: Whether it's Creepypastas acting like the clean-up crew for the mansion and discovering Offender's secret videos of them in the shower or having Masky attempt a great escape Toby's ramblings- there's a never day to sit down and kick your feet up. (One-shot collections)
1. Butlers and Maids

A lil' backstory to this:

During the summer holidays, I was writing chapters for my fanfiction that I became so displeased with that I deleted it off FFN and now I'm currently rewriting the whole thing.

Anyway, this snippet here was chapter 42, but I realised it was nothing more than filler. However, I was reading over it again and I realised that it made me snort or giggle a few times, which is why I'm posting it here.

I've made a few edits- so enjoy!

* * *

"I swear to god, gutting the roofs- what am I?- Santa's little helper?!" Ben growled as he dumped the leaves down to Laughing Jack, who held out a black rubbish bag with a lollipop swirling in his mouth. "Did you get that, Goth McGee?"

"Yeah, yeah!" Laughing Jack frowned as he picked some leaves up and stuffed them in the bag. "I don't even know why I'm holding this bag- the ground's covered in leaves! If anything, we're just creating more rubbish to get rid of."

"That's what happens when you and your brothers look like overgrown sperm."

Laughing Jack snickered. "Do you want me to wet myself?"

"Well, the toilet hasn't moved."

Laughing Jack exploded into full laughter, having to grip his lollipop to stop from choking on it. He let go of the bag and leaned on his knee. Ben smiled as he finished cleaning out the remaining leaves, he watched them float to the bottom and stretched his back. He smirked to himself as he came up with another joke in his head- Slender being the type of suit-wearing son of a bitch to expect a full blown orchestra to play when he enters a room. Ben went to a drainpipe and descended, catching his breath when his foot slipped once or twice.

Sonic, Jane, Tails and Smile had ran off with the only ladder.

Below him, Jack had his arms extended to catch him. Ben called out for him to look out as he let go and dropped into Jack's arms. "Oh, Romeo!" Ben batted his eyelids. Laughing Jack rolled his eyes and dropped him. Ben brushed his tunic. "Okay, what's next on our chores list?"

Jack took out a white crumpled up sheet of paper and his eyes scanned over it as he ticked a box. "We gotta clean the ground floor windows and then clear the attic."

"Right, I'll go get vinegar and cloth. You stay here and make fashion poses." Ben went into the mansion and into the kitchen, ignoring the glares from Offender and Trender. He opened the cupboards, took out two spray bottles and filled them half with water and vinegar. He took two cloths outside as well and handed one pair to Laughing Jack. They went separate ways, Jack to the left and Ben to the right. He rolled his eyes when Offender stared at him through the first window. Ben stuck his tongue at him which made Offender bare his teeth. Ben sneered and screwed up his face, pretending to scratch his armpit while making monkey sounds. He snickered as Offender stood up and marched over to him, lifting up the window.

"Listen here y-" He hissed when Ben sprayed the water and vinegar at him, Offender spat it out and tried to wipe it off his teeth. Offender lunged at him. Ben gasped and slammed the window on his fingers. Offender yelped with pain and Trender went over to him. Ben bolted to Laughing Jack.

"What have you done this time?"

"Pissed the brothers off."

"That was a smart move, wasn't it?"

"I don't care, let's switch places."

"Whatever you say, captain." Jack saluted him and went around the corner as Ben went ahead with the windows. He hoped Jeff and the proxies were having more fun than him.

Masky disabled another bear trap as Hoodie scanned the ground for any holes. Jeff looked about, tapping his foot with several nets dangling off his arm. "Is this what we're doing for the rest of the day?"

"Yep, Master has requested we rid of the traps since the trespassers are dead."

"And did the bald guy ever think that we need a load of dirt to fill up these holes?!"

"We can make them obvious to the eye by removing the leaves hiding them- like what Hoodie is doing now." He pointed at his partner who pulled another net from the under the leaves and used it to fan them away before tossing it to Masky, who then threw it to Jeff. "Imagine our position, you're doing this for a couple of hours, we have to do it until we die or turn useless."

"Yeah, so heartbreaking."

The proxies exchanged looks. Masky shook his head when he sensed Hoodie's frown. Masky took out a map that marked where all the traps were set- six out of fourteen found. He let out a deep sigh and led them to the next location. Masky stopped when Hoodie put his arm in front of him and pointed in the distance.

"I saw something…" Hoodie unsheathed his machete which Jeff's eyes widened at the sight.

"Where'd you get _that_?!"

"Oh, Hoodie got it when we invaded someone's home," Masky explained. "He's had it for a few days now." Masky put away the map and took out his crowbar as he followed his partner to where he'd seen the figure. Jeff followed them, complaining to himself that he looked like a waiter with the nets on his arm. Hoodie leaned against a tree and checked for the figure before moving forward, his partner kept an eye for anyone to flank them. The trio sighed in relief when they heard Smile bark. "False alarm."

"I wish I was with Ben."

Masky looked back at him, his eyebrows furrowed. "You would be if you didn't grab a revolver, aim it at Offender's head, and give this long speech about how our lives would improve with Splendor almost in tears begging you not to shot him. And when you pulled the trigger, a flag with _'BANG'_ written on it popped out. I've never seen anyone jump a foot in the air from terror."

Jeff threw his head back and chuckled. "Oh that was priceless!"

Back at the mansion, Ben wailed in victory as he finished the windows- Laughing Jack arched an eyebrow at him. "Yeah, last job is the attic."

Ben grinned and skipped into the mansion with Jack in tow. As Ben passed Offender, he made an 'L' shape on his forehead. Up at the second floor, Laughing Jack hoisted Ben onto his shoulders so he could pull the string to reveal the ladder. They clambered up. Laughing Jack unwrapped a new lollipop and stuck it in his mouth as he brought the ladder up and closed the small door. Ben's eyes followed the wooden beams stretching over the roof. "So, do we clean the cobwebs or something?"

"I think we organise the crates. Like, some of these have personal belongings so we group them to their according owners."

Ben sighed. "Got it." Ben went over to a window and began wiping the cobwebs from it. The attic was a clutter with tables and chairs blocking his way and Jack struggled to manoeuvre the room. He had to stretch his legs over several pieces of furniture. "Hey, doesn't this stretch over Slender's office?" Ben asked.

"Yeah, why'd you ask?" Jack looked back at him. Ben shrugged. "When you're finished with that lousy window, come and help me make room to get around this place." Laughing Jack lifted a chair and set on the table, he assessed the area, seeing where they could move it all. Ben said he was ready to help and they worked from the top right down, cleaning chairs and tables from dust. Ben felt this was Tetris in real life. Eventually, they only had the crates to organise after they took their break, their arms and backs sore from the labour. Ben coughed and fanned the air from the dust. He stood up and went to the first crate, whipping off the cloth covering it.

"Hey, this is Offender's stuff! Help me open it." They both lid their fingers under the lid and moved it to the side. Ben looked around its contents. He took out a photo album and flicked through the pages. "Whoa- he has pictures of all of us naked!" Jack's head shot at him and looked at it. Ben continued through the pages- there was Masky Hoodie, Jane, Slender, Trender- Ben slammed the book shut when they got to Sally. They exchanged wide glances. "Do we tell Slender…?"

Jack shrugged. "He'll ask what we were doing looking at everyone…" Jack shook his head, trying to rid of the image. "He had all these magazines as well…" They discovered some tapes of everyone in the shower, the tapes labelled with each pasta and numbered- there were eight of Trender. "Look, we gotta tell Slender."

"And doing so will result in having our asses beat until blue when we're looking through Offender's stuff!" Ben snapped, glancing over what they found.

"But when we mention Sally, he won't care."

"He didn't give a single thought about Jack's attempted rape!"

"Yeah, but he does care about Sally, he is overprotecting of her!"

"Fair point…" Ben sighed in defeat. "Okay, we'll go tell him now." Jack opened the door but gasped and stood back when Offender climbed through. Ben scurried behind Jack's legs.

"I must say that was an interesting argument, boys." Offender let out a low chuckle as he stood up and closed the door. He blocked their only escape. "Now, now don't you know it's inconsiderate to look through people's belongings?" His pointed tongue slithered out and his tentacles aimed themselves at the duo. Jack continued to move back and Ben clung onto his back.

Ben felt his legs begin to give way as they were pushed back with Offender's huge frame. "Hey, it doesn't have to be like this. I mean, we can sort something out, y'know?"

Jack nodded, his hands shaking. "Y-yeah, this is just a little miscommunication between us."

Offender's tongue trailed over his teeth, leaving black saliva in its trace. "I know what I want from you two." Ben felt Jack's whole body begin to quiver. Jack tripped over his feet and fell back on top of Ben. The floorboards creaked, dust flew from the wood. Offender stood above them, his tentacles grabbed Jack's arms. The floor groaned and creaked louder. Offender knelt down to them- the floor strangling with creaks. "You boys are-" The group fell through the floor and into Slender's office. They groaned and coughed. Ben and Jack leaped to their feet and sprinted to Slender, hiding behind him.

Ben pulled Slender's head to face him. "Offender has pictures of Sally naked!" Offender's head shot up to Slender, his mouth hung open. He couldn't move or breathe. Slender's head twisted to Offender, no face was needed to make Offender tremble with dread as Slender raised from his desk.

"I'm sure Splendor would be _very happy_ to hear this. Jack, Ben, return to your duties in the evening." They nodded and left the room in a hurry. Ben brushed his hair of dust and pieces of wood. As they went down the staircase, they went passed Splendor who slammed the door of the office closed.

"Wow, he looked mega pissed."

Jack looked at him wide-eyed. "I know and I don't wanna be around."

Ben nodded in agreement. In the living room, Eyeless Jack and Trender stared at them, they both stood in the middle of room surprised and unable to talk.

"You boys aren't gonna believe this!" Ben ran up to them. "We were snooping around Offender's stuff and we found out he has tapes and picture of everyone naked- including Sally!"

"Oh my," Trender mumbled, the hand on his hip falling to his side. "Wait, how many did he have of me?!" His voice picked up its volume.

"Uh, ten, I think."

"I'll set up his funeral!" He ran upstairs, skipping several steps in the process, his feet thumping against the floor. Laughing Jack offered a lollipop to Eyeless Jack but he declined with a head shake.

"We've got time to kill so let's find the proxies and Jeff." They left the house in time to hear something crash upstairs and a deep roar. Laughing Jack snickered and slapped his knee. They walked through the forest, their shoulders relaxed, and Ben began to whistle, kicking a few twigs and leaves every now and then. He felt a hand of his shoulder and looked back at Eyeless Jack, who placed a finger to where is mouth was, and dragged him behind a tree. Ben heard distant chatting and gave Jack a puzzled look. His eyes widened when he saw the Rake strolling alongside Bob.

"And then Splendor thought he'd try and tell me some 'life lesson' crap on me. He told me, _'You know, Rake, you should learn to enjoy the little things in life.'_ He had no right to dictate my life so I replied, _'Ah, someone's going to masturbate tonight, eh?'_ Fair to say that he wasn't too pleased with my response." The duo were out of range for the group to hear the rest of the conversation.

"That's odd- what's Rake doing here?"

Eyeless Jack shrugged. "I overheard the proxies talking to Slender that he wasn't in the forest."

Laughing Jack sneered, "Doesn't surprise me he's giving off about one of the brothers."

"When does he not?"

Ben stood out from behind the tree. "Do you think he'll be here tomorrow? Damn, Satan's gonna have to put up with him." He began walking. "Anyway, let's find Jeff, I wanna tell him what happened." By chance, they ran into the proxies. Ben told them what happened with Offender and went to tell them about the Rake- the proxies struggled to believe him at first. But the two Jacks backed him up. Masky sighed and took Hoodie back to the mansion to tell their Master. Hoodie asked how Slender would respond to the news.

Masky stopped at the front doors, his hands on his hips before turning to his partner. "All hell will break loose. So might as well get over with it." They went up to the office and knocked, seeing Slender look at them from whatever he was doing. Offender was up against a wall. "Master, the Rake has been cited in the forest just now." Slender's chest grew heavy with each deep breath and he screamed into the air. The birds flew away and Ben stopped talking.

Splendor blinked at him, taken aback by his sudden reaction. He opened to mouth to try and pry something out. "I-… um… you two can return to your work." The proxies left the room and dashed out of the mansion.

"What now?" Hoodie asked as they went to meet up with the others.

"We capture Rake with a bear trap and kill him."


	2. 7 Mins in Heaven- With A Twist

Please don't be mad I included my OC.

* * *

The echo of a clock's ticking throughout the manor was maddening. Not one Pasta had a solution for their boredom, and had exhausted all resources and ideas. Rake, Bob and Tails were all slumped in the middle of the banisters. Rake gazed at his wall, his eyes half-closed, Tails swung his leg over Rake's shoulder and Bob fell asleep on the free one. Rake was trapped.

Hoodie stared at the ceiling, Masky and Eyeless Jack watched Ben going over his cabinet of games for tenth time, huffing when started over again. Jeff toyed with his knife over and over again until he seemed like a robot, programmed to do it over and over again. Smile was nuzzling Jeff, trying to see if he'd play a game with him, but to no success.

Splendorman was losing his sanity alarmingly fast- he started twiddling his thumbs while his eyes darted around the room, then he played with his tentacles before resorting to mumbling to himself. Trender gave him worried looks as he admired his clothes, even on this day his magazines bored him. Nobody knew if Slender was asleep or staring at Trender, his head was wedged into his hand. Offender was nowhere to be seen- probably out smoking or tending to his roses.

Joyce, the 30 year old sociopath, occupied herself in her bedroom, not bothered by the miserable attitudes surrounding the manor. Normally someone would ask one of her life stories, as she was the ripe age of thirty, but she was ill with a stomach bug. Bob wouldn't let anyone talk to her. He allowed himself and Splendor to check on her once in a while, each time fast asleep.

Offender burst through the door. "It's game night everybody!" His big grin disappeared.

"Whatever it is, we're not interested," said Jeff.

"You little porn stars-"

Everyone groaned.

"-have no choice, we all agreed we'd have our fair share of fun. Now, who's ready to get their erections?"

No response.

"Seven minutes in heaven!" He threw his arms in the air as if happiness and joy was to explode from them.

"Offendy," sighed Trender, "must we really hug and kiss in some awful claustrophobic closet?"

Offender confirmed, and Trender mumbled about hating him with a burning passion.

An hour passed, the Creepypastas were as slow as they could be to stall the inevitable- but Offender sped up the process by dumping his closet and setting it up downstairs. Annoyed, Ben made a choking sound like a demon was being strangled out him. When the hat went around, everyone played with their pockets, mumbling and coughing trying to find an item.

"All right," said Offender. "I'm stripping you guys of your clothing" Everyone threw items at him, with Ben and Jeff aiming for his head. "Okay, where's the human?"

"In paradise," mumbled Rake.

Offender smirked and strolled towards him, sticking out his arm. Rake cringed and dug his hand to pull out a knife. "Thank Zalgo I don't have to go in with you- your moans sound like Yogi Bear."

Both Pastas stepped in. Offender took one last shot. "Never be afraid to come out of the closet."

"Hey! Fuck you, asshole!" Rake roared as Offender slammed the doors. Jeff was last seen with beads of sweat trailing down his face.

There were scratches, bangs and screeches from inside in-between Rake's threats from ripping his head clean off his shoulders to sending 10 billion volts through his nipples. With one minute to go, all noises stopped.

Offender had his ass parked on the sofa, space and time bending to its shape until the last minute was up. As light shone through the closet, it was clear Jeff had fainted, his wide blank eyes had seen Satan's ass crack. Rake stormed out and sat beside Bob, burying his face in his hands.

Eventually the hat came to Splendor, who gulped and rummaged his hand around, pulling out a… rose. Offender threw his head back and laughed, "HONK! We're gonna have a great time discussing your love life- in we go!" He dragged Splendor by the sleeve, and faced resistance and Splendor whimpered and dug his feet into the carpet. Seven horrible minutes commenced.

Upstairs Joyce, known as Grandma Goat Legs by the Pastas, 'that fucking annoying cock-sucking bitch' by Offenderman, or the 'goblin-gargoyle hybrid' by Rake, had awoken from a mild pain in her stomach. She groaned and rolled over in bed, trying to take her mind of it, leading to her face screwing up as the pain intensified. She flung herself out of bed, remaining calm and making her way to the ground floor bathroom.

Seven minutes had ended and Splendor fell out of the closet trying to get away from Offender, who purred, "C'mon Splendy, share some brotherly affection with me." He stuck his pointed tongue out, thick black saliva covered the surface, and his trench coat lay on the floor. Hoisting Splendor to his feet- those muscles weren't only for expressing his 'dominance' over those 'beta males'- Offender leaned for a kiss.

Joyce reached the bottom of the stairs and looked up. Shocked, she gasped for air, and threw up all over Offender's feet and legs.

Offender's jaw dropped open.

The Creepypastas let out a cheer, filling every crack, the sound of it bouncing off the walls and drowning Offender's yells. Slenderman fell to his knees and let out a scream of victory so loud, like he'd given birth to the abominable snowman, everyone fell silent and stared at him.

"Accidents happen," Joyce said with a smile. "I suggest facing that fact of life."

One Creepypasta wasn't satisfied enough, Rake, he had his own plan of revenge.

By night, everyone had settled down. The majority of Pastas slept while few were out hunting, Splendorman thanked Joyce for saving him. She replied that he shouldn't expect any less, and added that it was the end result that mattered, not the method to achieve it. The Brothers went hunting in the forest too. Rake's gang of losers- him, Joyce, Tails and Bob- had sat down and finalised their plans. Joyce stood guard outside the door, while the other three did their handiwork inside Offender's bedroom.

Dawn was already approaching, and the trio came out of the room, grinning like they inhaled canisters of laughing gas. Rake taped a piece of paper on his door that read:

 _My love,_

 _I see we are the perfect match. Your toned chest is as magnificent as the stars. Your luscious hips have captured my gaze in an aura. Every night is as lonely as a man amongst the sea. A moment's break from your gaze is an eternity past. Ever yours, Rakey :^)_

Joyce snorted and shook her head. Rake grinned in triumph, "Okay dimwits, get downstairs 'cause we're gonna have the reaction of a lifetime."

The group raced downstairs and sat on the sofa all waiting for the one and only Offender. When the door opened Rake nearly jumped out of his skin- it was Splendor. "Oh, it's you."

Splendor frowned. "What are you three doing with Joyce at five in the morning?"

"Are you bitter because you came last place again at that dick measuring contest with your brothers?" said Rake, smirking at him.

Splendor sighed, knowing that this wasn't worth his time. "Just remember she's sick." He walked up to his bedroom.

Their patience paid off when Offender walked through the door, and commented about Rake still being in the closet. Rake had another comeback fired up, "You still breaking rocks with your fat ass?"

Offender chuckled and went upstairs. Rake grinned from ear to ear. Tails said, "Man, the dick's gonna be so mad when he see his room covered with male strippers."

Rake heard his named yelled out from the top of the stairs followed by Slender and Offender baring their teeth at him. Rake chuckled, "Gotta go, come find me, yeah?" He ran out of the manor, chased by the two brothers. Splendorman came down a moment later, his face as red as a tomato.

"Would you guys know about the, um… exotic male dancers in Offendy's room?"

"Naw," said Tails, and left with Bob to find Rake. Joyce approached Splendor and offered to help him take it down. When they arrived, Ben had a camera, snapping thousands of pictures for 'souvenirs'.


	3. Masky's Madness

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p style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; outline: none 0px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; margin: 15px 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', HelveticaNeue, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; box-sizing: border-box; color: #444444;"Masky grinned as he finally had some peace for the morning. He closed his eyes. Then the door cracked. Masky stared in horror as the door was axed into pieces- Toby stuck his head through the torn pieces. "Hey Masky, my buddy!" He reached his hand to the lock and opened the door. He lifted up his hatchets and destroyed the radio. RIP Britney Spears. Now the only thing Masky could hear was the shower and Toby's maddening chant./p  
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p style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; outline: none 0px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; margin: 15px 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', HelveticaNeue, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; box-sizing: border-box; color: #444444;"Hoodie appeared at the doorway, a smug grin under his stitched face. "Another grand day where Toby proceeds to annoy you- such a classic." Hoodie threw his head back and laughed. "Anyway, make sure you get your chores done, boy, I don't want Master making me do it. You've put on enough weight as it is, the sight makes my eyes burn."/p  
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p style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; outline: none 0px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; margin: 15px 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', HelveticaNeue, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; box-sizing: border-box; color: #444444;""What if you orbit around my dick?"/p  
p style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; outline: none 0px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; margin: 15px 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', HelveticaNeue, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; box-sizing: border-box; color: #444444;"Toby started yodelling in Masky's defence like Masky was his sacred god. Masky took this opportunity to sneak away and head outside. He heard Toby behind him and he bolted into the forest screaming to be left alone./p  
p style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; outline: none 0px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; margin: 15px 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', HelveticaNeue, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; box-sizing: border-box; color: #444444;"Toby yelled, "No one shall desecrate your name, milady!"/p  
p style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; outline: none 0px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; margin: 15px 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', HelveticaNeue, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; box-sizing: border-box; color: #444444;"Masky leaped onto a tree and started climbing like Spiderman on steroids, and he parked his ass on a branch. Toby came into a view a moment later, screaming for Masky since he couldn't listen to Masky's breathing at night. When he got outta here, he was buying large stereos that would cause an earthquake when playing Britney Spears at full volume./p  
p style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; outline: none 0px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; margin: 15px 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', HelveticaNeue, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; box-sizing: border-box; color: #444444;"Toby snapped his head up. "Hey Masky, I've been waiting forever to stroke that hair."/p  
p style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; outline: none 0px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; margin: 15px 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', HelveticaNeue, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; box-sizing: border-box; color: #444444;""You'll never take me alive." Masky jumped on his feet. He heard a crack. The branch broke. Masky screamed, flailing his arms like he was trying to swim in air before going splosh against the dirt./p  
p style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; outline: none 0px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; margin: 15px 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', HelveticaNeue, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; box-sizing: border-box; color: #444444;"The mind floated on fluffiness of clouds and tranquillity. Detached from the body, feeling weightless and carried by the currents of time, it hovered on the breeze. It couldn't focus on one thing, rather it passed the surreal atmosphere with no looking back. In this place, Masky's body enjoyed the feeling of no more worries, embracing the wings of freedom./p  
p style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; outline: none 0px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; margin: 15px 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', HelveticaNeue, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; box-sizing: border-box; color: #444444;""Hey, Masky."/p  
p style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; outline: none 0px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; margin: 15px 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', HelveticaNeue, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; box-sizing: border-box; color: #444444;"That noise was like a stab in the ass. Masky opened his eyes, he was in his room, and Toby loomed over him. His leg was broken- that meant he was bedridden… now Toby could annoy him into eternity./p  
p style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; outline: none 0px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; margin: 15px 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', HelveticaNeue, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; box-sizing: border-box; color: #444444;"The door opened to reveal Hoodie and their master, the Operator. Hoodie was about to send his sides into orbit if he held his laughter back in. The Operator looked at Toby and his arms dropped to his sides. "Who the hell are em style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; outline: none 0px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; font-stretch: inherit; font-size: inherit; line-height: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; box-sizing: border-box;"you/em?!"/p  
p style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; outline: none 0px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; margin: 15px 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', HelveticaNeue, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; box-sizing: border-box; color: #444444;"Toby blinked. "Uh… I'm your proxy, Slenderman…"/p  
p style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; outline: none 0px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; margin: 15px 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', HelveticaNeue, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; box-sizing: border-box; color: #444444;"Hoodie said, "No dimwit, that's the Operator." He reached for his gun. "A spy, huh? I'll shoot you in the dick and then th-"/p  
p style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; outline: none 0px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; margin: 15px 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', HelveticaNeue, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; box-sizing: border-box; color: #444444;"The Operator raised his hand, and Hoodie lowered his gun. "Ah, he who brings the night. My cousin, you see, seemed to have misplaced his balls. Slender has a wife and kid now! Poor fool, his parents were devastated." He crossed his arms, an invisible smile on his face. "At least they have me."/p  
p style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; outline: none 0px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; margin: 15px 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', HelveticaNeue, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; box-sizing: border-box; color: #444444;"Toby let out a sigh of relief, he wouldn't have his brains mashed into mush./p  
p style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; outline: none 0px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; margin: 15px 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', HelveticaNeue, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; box-sizing: border-box; color: #444444;""How long have you been here?" said the Operator./p  
p style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; outline: none 0px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; margin: 15px 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', HelveticaNeue, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; box-sizing: border-box; color: #444444;""A-a year."/p  
p style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; outline: none 0px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; margin: 15px 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', HelveticaNeue, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; box-sizing: border-box; color: #444444;""That bad? Oh well, go out with Hoodie while I have a word with Masky."/p  
p style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; outline: none 0px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; margin: 15px 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', HelveticaNeue, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; box-sizing: border-box; color: #444444;"Toby nodded and glanced at Masky. "Goodbye, Masky!"/p  
p style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; outline: none 0px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; margin: 15px 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', HelveticaNeue, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; box-sizing: border-box; color: #444444;"The words were like an angel's holy gospel. Masky could rest in peace. The Operator said for him to get all the relaxation he could in order to heal quickly… because there was going to be a mountain of jobs to do when better./p  
p style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; outline: none 0px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; margin: 15px 0px 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', HelveticaNeue, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; box-sizing: border-box; color: #444444;"The Operator chuckled manically, and left to buy a 'Get Well Soon' card for Slenderman./p 


	4. Hunting Season

"All right men," said Ben, walking up and down the table like a drill sergeant, "and chicks, Offender is still a free bottom-bitch! Ain't none of you managed to punish him yet after Eyeless Jack's attempted rape! What's goin' on?!"

His fellow Creepypastas stared at him, some bored out of their mind, some finding the wall and clock pretty interesting, and some stared off into space away with the fairies. Jeff looked down at whimpering Smile, he hadn't received any sleep since the past few days. Offender had been jacking off like his life depended on it, his loud moans nearly shattered the windows as it rumbled throughout the building, shaking its foundation. Nobody got any sleep. Jeff actually began to cry at four in the morning, begging to be put to rest.

He looked over at Grandma Goat Legs, also known as Joyce- her eyes were blood shocked and red from exhaustion. Well, she deserved such treatment, but not him! Now only his winning smile kept him going.

A line of drool hung at the crack of Laughing Jack's lip, he would be fast asleep if Ben didn't honk his horn every morning. He also would be sleeping in bed until five in the evening if Ben didn't get a musical triangle, ring it throughout the floors and scream, "Up, bitches! Up, bitches!"

Masky, Hoodie and Toby were all over the place. Toby snorted sugar and went wild yesterday, wrecking furniture and beating his chest. "Jesus Christ mah mutherfuckin' man, what up bruh?!" Masky went mental and wrecked Offender's bedroom, the biggest offence was destroying all of Offender's blow up dolls and blocking the toilet trying to flush them down. Hoodie had several unsuccessful murder attempts. At least he got to put a ton of laxatives in his coffee.

Tails tried blasting out the _Backstreet Boys_ in an attempt to drive Offender to madness, but it didn't work. Slender also told him to shut up. Jane tried luring him into a trap the Creepypastas set up but he got distracted by a sexy horse. Bob was told to try to bust Offender's nuts in but accidentally hit Slender, unleashing hell onto the manor for three days.

Ben yelled, "Bet Offender's getting a kick outta this!" He sighed and folded his arms. "Well, Grandma Goat Legs and Rake are the last pair to go. Try not to kill each other." The frenemies left with Rake mumbling about killing himself before anyone else.

They reached the living room but were stopped by Slender. "Where are you two going?" He had been on high alert after all these stupid attempts.

Joyce could feel Rake's pride coming back into him, his toothy grin said it all. Rake leaned on her shoulder, smirking at Slender. "Gee Slender, why do you have to keep poking your dick in my eye?"

Slender groaned and let them pass, sick of Rake's bullcrap. Rake high-fived Joyce and the duo made their way into the forest. Rake caught onto Offender's scent and followed it- Joyce was already thinking of a plan.

Ben had Dark Link steal a shotgun- his grey-market had anything- in return for some of Offender's homemade pornos. The Creepypastas had decided to watch it but couldn't last more than one minute before shutting their eyes with super glue or shoving their fingers into their ears. With no eyelids, Jeff was left to weep softly. The regret tormented his soul, the memories all came back to him just as Offender flopped around on the bed like he was trying to balance his entire body on his dick called Barry. Barry was a big and strong fella.

Anyway, Rake finally found the prick sitting on a log, his right hand strangely moving up and down- his body covered the rest of the view. Rake narrowed his eyes. "All right Jojo, take him out."

Joyce rolled her eyes at the annoying nickname and raised the shotgun. She fired and missed. Alarm bells rang out in Offender's head and he dashed into the woods, sending Barry flopping and flying backwards.

Rake screeched at Joyce, who fumbled while reloading, throwing his arms in front of him and jumping on his feet. "Hit him, hit him, hit him, hit him, OH MY GOD!"

Joyce fired again just as Offender teleported- gone.

Rake glared at her. "Great job, bitch-head! I might as well have a heart attack and be done with this!"

Joyce threw the gun on the ground and clenched her fists. "Maybe you shouldn't be such a bad partner."

Rake's fists shook like the gods were powering it up with their holy chant. "Well maybe I wouldn't act so bad if _some_ people didn't sound like Satan smoking a blunt!"

"No fuck you, you _nutless_ motherfucker!"

"At least when we're in crisis, I don't make things worse!"

Joyce grinded her teeth. "W-well, you're just a bum wanker!"

Rake's mouth dropped open, a hand on his heart. "Excuuuuuuuuuuuuuse you! I'm not gay, I don't screw other guys in the backside or jerk them off!"

They had a stare off, both focusing on their eyes. Their lips twitched into smiles before they exploded into giggles. Rake gripped his stomach and Joyce's back ached, her cheeks bright red from grinning ear to ear. Rake wheezed, taking minutes to catch his breath, sounding like he was about to suffer an asthma attack. "Oh Jojo, this is why we're friends…"

Joyce leaned on her knees, regaining her energy.

They went on a search for Offender. Neither said anything, usually they would trying nipping each other before breaking into brawl bigger than the pants to fit Offender. Rake finally broke the silence- no doubt he was going on another rant about someone he hated. "You know what really grinds me? When Splendorman puts his ass in my face."

Joyce looked at Rake. "Uh…okay?"

"Yeah," said Rake. "Every single day he comes right up to me, thinking he has some right to do that. No matter how many times I tell him, he doesn't get the message. What should I do?"

"Put your hand on his thigh."

Rake stopped, shooting her a horrified look. "Are you mad?!"

She grinned, holding back a laugh. "I mean it, it makes people extremely uncomfortable. Set your hand on top, say nothing, and look into his eyes."

Rake tapped his mouth for a moment, humming. "Maybe. Maybe that will teach him to give me advice about living a 'happy' life."

Realisation hit Joyce like a mashed potato. That made a whole lot of sense now. Splendorman didn't really turn around and hold it wide open.

After wandering about, they decided head back to the manor- the mission was a failure. When they reached the manor, Rake gave Ben the run down. Ben shook his head, a smug smirk on his face. He had a new idea.

Offenderman yawned, opening his jaw so wide a plate could fit in. His brothers weren't here. He sat on the sofa, kicking up his feet and recharging for the special treatment he was gonna give himself tonight. He saw the door open and Ben look at him, a serious expression on his face, and a hand behind his back.

"Yo dude, we gotta talk."

"If it's about me going after the model Eyeless Jack, nah," said Offender.

Ben shook his head. "No. Like, we're all bros in this house, you know? And we gotta follow the bro code as well, but not like _that_. All we wanted was some sort of payoff…"

Offender would've blinked, he looked again at Ben's hidden hand. "Um, what's that then?"

Ben shuffled his feet. His red pupils thinned as a smirk crawled up his face. "Oh this? Jack's **_revenge_**!" Ben slapped a rotten egg hidden in whipped cream that smelt like millions of farts combined into one bomb onto Offender's face. Offender snarled.

Leaping from behind a chair, Rake grabbed Ben. Racing up the stairs faster than a motorbike, he clambered up the attic's ladder when hearing Offender's fat thumps from his feet grow louder. Safe, Laughing Jack closed the door and set a bucket of boiling water on top.

Offender yanked the string and the water scalded his head, a loud scream of anger and pain vibrating through the walls. Clothes and face ruined- this was war. He dashed up the ladder.

The three Creepypastas leapt onto a really tall ladder outside, supported by Masky, Hoodie and Toby. Rake and Laughing Jack went first. Ben turned around and saw Offender with his arms out to grab him. Ben gestured for the guys to pull him away from the window so he was upright in air. As he moved back, he gave Offender the middle finger.

Offender roared and slammed his fist against the wall, running downstairs to catch them. His coat flowed in the wind, now all he needed was hair. Ripping the door off its hinges, Jane and Joyce pulled a rope. Offender tripped and fell. The air horns cried like angels, the piano played a sombre tune, the world shedding a single tear. A heart beat in the distance as Offender's isolation consumed him.

Falling…

Falling from grace.

And face first into green paint. The Pastas tied a rope around his ankles, and pulled him up into the air, the pulley squeaking as they heaved as one. Jeff laughed about how he was glad Offender had pants on. Everyone applauded each other. Ben approached Offender with Eyeless Jack beside him, arms crossed.

"So 'bro'," said Ben, admiring his nails. "You stay from all of us, otherwise well take it up a notch. Ain't that right, boys?"

The Pastas murmured. Ben nodded in approval. "Welp, we'll be back at sundown, don't pass out on us."

Hours later, the Pastas were back to their usual routine with the group– Bob, Rake, Joyce and Tails- at the centre of the banisters. Tails joked that they were the dumbest people alive, considering they tried to lead an army of chickens into the manor. Now, they opted to asking questions.

Joyce sighed with joy, "Okay, I got one. What would you do if you saw the slender brothers shirtless?"

Rake thought for a moment, a smile plastered on his face. "Projectile vomit."

They laughed like friends who'd known each other for years. Bob couldn't help but smile too. "You know they'll be at each other's necks tomorrow, Tails."

"Yeah." He waved Bob off. "But I prefer this- rapist hangs like pig in the slaughter house, and the frenemies share a crackin' time! And we're all get a good night's sleep too."

Slenderman burst through the door and the room fell silent. "Why's my brother hanging upside down like some sort of sick piñata?!"

Ben shrugged and returned to his video game. "Damn dude, I just don't know. I think it was divine intervention."

Hours later, Slender stood in his office gazing out the window. Dusk had arrived and with it a golden hue and pink clouds across the sky. Trees fluttered in harmony with the breeze. Birds returned to their homes for the evening. The large windows granted this elegant view. Perhaps one of the many reasons who could find peace within himself.

A knock from the other side slid into his invisible ears. "Come in." No need to look behind him, he knew the slender had arrived. Slender stood still, the light shining on him.

The slender behind him was quiet. "Slenderman…" he murmured. The room was cosy, books neatly placed in shelves, lights off in favour of the natural yet ever fading sun rays, and pictures decorating the walls.

"So you showed up," said Slenderman. "Please, have a seat." Slender turned and sat in his chair. It was clear that his worn face only harboured misery and defeat. Even with no eyes, it was apparent the weight he carried beat him without mercy. The responsibilities grew heavy on his back, forcing his feet to dig into the dirt of this narrow dry path he walked upon.

The slender wore a navy blue suit and had narrowed eyes, with teeth too big for his mouth. "I th-"

"HAVE A FUCKING SEAT!"

The slender rushed over to the chair and sat down. "I understand you have a problem?" His eyes squinted the whole time since the light reflecting of Slender's head was blinding him. "First, I'll need to hear the whole story before my associate and I can help eradicate it."

A sad smile would've traced Slender's lips. He spun round, gazing into the sunset. "It all started when they bought vuvuzelas…"


	5. Slender Brothers Go Shopping

The morning was the worst time of the day for Slenderman. Torn away from sleep, and faced with his brothers' babbling would eventually bring the downfall of all western civilisation. At least he had the short walk across the manor. He checked through the post. It was the usual- love letters, weird magazines and a mysterious box. Slender was convinced it was a bomb. So he dumped it in the lake- out of sight, out of mind. One letter stood out. No return address. Slender opened it.

 _Dear my little munchkins,_

 _How are my boys grown up? I remember when all my hair fell out due to the crippling amount from stress caused by you four rascals, and how you're father had an affair with another man. Seems like only yesterday. So, your father and I are coming to stay a couple of days and we'll arrive on the 25_ _th_ _in the afternoon._

 _By the way, if you have any male friends, please tell them not to bend over in your father's presence._

 _Hugs and kisses!_

 _Love, Mummy_

It clicked. Slender jumped from his chair, sprinted down the stairs and nearly broke the door the kitchen "Brothers, Jesus Christ is here!"

His brothers stopped moving and stared at him. Offender's eyes would've darted around the room. Trender sipped his tea. "Even I, yours truly, am not that narcissistic."

"Look, our father is coming tomorrow!" Slender waved the letter.

The brothers didn't seem concerned. Splendor, however, was clapping his hands, overjoyed.

"And so is our mother."

Trender dropped his tea, the cup shattering.

"Aw hell," said Offender. "We gotta get her something." He pointed at Trender. "Quick, to the Gaymobile!"

Trender groaned and led them to his fancy, hip and stylish car. Referred to as Trender's 'one true child'. Trender got in the driver's seat, with Offender and Splendor at the back. Not even ten minutes into the journey, and Offender couldn't control himself. He bit his lip and used his tentacles to open all the windows and sunroof at once. The wind flew in wreaking havoc. Trender squealed about his clothes, Slender was ready to be swallowed by hell and Splendor nearly lost his hat.

Within several painful minutes, they arrived. Slender was in charge of remembering where they parked. The shopping centre was the size of a football pit, two floors filled with people and a wide area of flooring. Several seating areas across from shops squeezed together. Bright lights covered every inch and reflected off the white floors and walls. The whole area was spotless. The smell of coffee nearby hypnotised Trender and Offender had to follow him- to keep him safe.

Splendor and Slender decided to browse. Splendor gasped when he spotted a pet shop and ran into it, followed by a frantic Slender begging him not to. Splendor saw kittens and pressed his face against the glass. "Hello, my babies!" His heart nearly melted when they came up him meowing and stood on their tiny hind legs. "Slendy, can we keep them?" Splendor begged with his big round eyes.

"No," said Slender.

"But they need their mother!" He hugged Slender's waist, on his knees.

"And it isn't you. Now get up, you're a grown man."

Splendor nodded and waved goodbye to the kittens. They came across an African Grey parrot. Slender was relieved he could finally hold an intellectual conversation, considering his brothers were complete rejects. Slender thought for a moment. "Hm, love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies." This fine creature should've had no problems understanding philosophical ideas.

The parrot, called Gracie, looked at Slender. She scratched her chin. "Fat bitch."

Splendor giggled, putting a hand over his mouth.

Gracie stared at Slender with blank eyes. "Fuck off."

Splendor giggled louder. "Okay, um, hello Gracie, how are you today?"

"Hello," said Gracie. "I love you." She began singing a song. Splendor complimented it as he was dragged out by Slender.

"You're a fucker, aren't ya?" said Gracie to Slender before he was out of earshot.

At the coffee shop, Trender and Offender sat at a table. Trender babbled on about some story with the Rake. The Rake had become the brothers' sworn enemy, neither of them could cooperate with each other, and more often than not, Rake got the last laugh.

As luck would have it Rake his moronic friends sat a table not too far- Bob, Tails and the human Joyce. The two dimwits, Joyce and Rake, were arguing as usual. Rake spat at her. "If you don't shut up, Joyce, I'll shove an umbrella up your ass and open it."

"Too bad you don't got any balls, do ya?!"

Tails cheered her on. "Yeah, get 'em, get 'em."

Before Rake opened his mouth, he noticed the brothers looking at them. Their arguing died down, and the group stared at Trender and Offender like they grew disgusting lumps on their heads. The group got up and left, walking further down the shopping centre.

Trender sipped his tea. "Remember that time when an intruder broke into the manor?"

"Huh, wha-" sputtered Offender.

"He came in dead of night and accidentally knocked over a vase which was enough to alert me, Splendy and Slendy to rush downstairs. A second later you came running and froze when we saw you were...um, naked. Then you started yodelling really loudly causing Splendy to curl up into a ball and create a small puddle of tears while I fainted and gave myself a concussion. Slendy ran into the wall in an attempt to get away, and the intruder was so freaked out he vanished in an instant."

"No…" murmured Offender, who twiddled his thumbs. "Let's go. I saw some dude giving a presentation about sex and all that." Offender jumped up from his seat, knocking over the table and shattering the cups, and in turn shattered his eardrums.

The manager screamed with the volume of an ape going apeshit. "OI MATE, WHAT DO YA THINK YER DOOOOOOING?!"

Nearly pissing out a lake, Offender scrambled onto his feet and escaped the scene of the crime. He ran too fast and lost his footing on water. He did the splits and let out a monstrous scream as if his balls were yanked off. The entire shop fell silent and stared him in shock. Trender couldn't be seen with this idiot. The security guards came over again. "Sir, do you know this man?" said one to Trender.

Trender looked at Offender and saw Offender's worried look. He hadn't seen such an expression since hundreds of years ago, and in flash, he saw his brother- not a pervert nor a rapist- but a brother. The filial bonds of sibling awoken a feeling locked away in his heart. Trender smiled. But then he remembered Offender has as much use to him as tits on a bull. "I'm afraid not, I have no idea who this slender is." Trender had a reputation to keep.

The security guard thanked him and turned to Offender. "All right bub, let's go."

Across the bridge, Rake's group snickered and high-fived each other.

Trender ignored them- as a fashion god among mere monsters, he must stay elegant and graceful among such impulsive brutes.

Slender couldn't believe it. His mother was due in an hour, and he'd managed to lose all his brothers. Maybe he'd tell her they all died- and if true, it would solve many of his problems. He spotted Joyce and speed walked towards her. She'd definitely know where Splendor was. "Human, have seen any of my brothers?"

Joyce turned up to him, a bored gaze on her face. "No, they're probably scared of how fat you are." With that, she strolled away.

Slender looked down and whimpered. "That's not very nice…" Slenderman shuffled through the crowds of people, fighting back tears as he walked past shops selling clothes, games, jewellery, and furniture. Glancing into a cafe, he saw Lord Zalgo, staring into his coffee cup and shaking as if it caused an earthquake. He sucked air through his teeth and was ready to pull out a shotgun if someone so much as breathed in his direction. If he recalled, his Lordship was recently released from anger management.

Mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted, Slender settled on a bouquet of flowers and a card. It'll have to do. He paid and made his way other front entrance. Offender and Trender were waiting for him, with Offender in cuffs and Trender looking appalled.

Slender sighed. "Where's Splendor?"

Trender looked around him while fanning himself and pointed in the direction behind Slender. Once he turned, Slender almost dropped the flowers- his mother would definitely wallop him now.

In Splendorman's arms were at least fifteen kittens all meowing loudly. And the biggest grin stretched across Splendor's cheeks, he had found eternal happiness, and thus no longer needed to keep his body on the earth any longer.

"Dear god," mumbled Slender. Using his tentacles, he dragged his three brothers to the car and slumped into the driver's seat. As Offender opened his mouth, Slender screamed as loud as a foghorn. "In the name of God, shut your goddamn mouth!" He slammed his foot on the pedal, the speed sending brothers flying back and making the tires screech as he rammed his way through the cars. People screamed and swerved out of the way, some crashed into houses and other cars as Slender only sped faster and his brothers now clung onto their seats for dear life in case they would be thrown through the windscreen. Slender's fingers gripped the steering wheel so hard, he could tear it off in one swift motion.

"Slendy, you're scaring me!" shrieked Trender, which only encouraged Slender to go faster. The car jumped up and down on country roads. "I'm gonna throw up! Stop the car!" Trender hit his head against the window as Slender drifted on a corner sending the car on its side and scraping against the road. The car rocked back and forth down the dirt path to their home, bashing his and his brothers' heads against the interior. Trender had passed out and flung from side to side like a ragdoll, his arms flying in the air like he thought of dudes and the blood rushed to his head.

Slender's foot slammed on the brakes and the car's tires screamed to a stop. Steam came from the bonnet.

Splendor fell out from the car and laid on the ground while Offender stumbled out and puked on the daisies. Slender grabbed the flowers and card and thumped the door so hard the glass shattered. He roared with rage and his tentacles sprung from his back- he lifted the car up and chucked it into a tree. The car was obliterated- all the windows destroyed, the paint ruined and the metal dented.

Offender's mouth lay open. "Uh… you realise Trendy is still in there…"

"I don't give a goddamn FUCK!" Slender stormed into the house.

Offender was certain he broke the door. Especially since it was hanging on one hinge.

It was all okay, though, during Slender's road rage, Splendor wrapped his tentacles around the kittens so none of them had a scratch. Splendor looked down at his little babies and kissed each one of them.

"H-help." A meek cry came from the car. It was Trender with an arm reaching out. He sniffed. It was smoke. Trender gasped and before he knew, the car exploded and catapulted him into the sky.

Offender scanned the sky for him, only locating his brother when his screams came louder and his body crashed into a puddle of mud. Every inch of clothing and his perfect skin was stained.

The three stood in silence for minutes- Splendor oblivious to the problems, Trender basking the sun and mud, and Offender standing around like a chump with his hands in his pockets. Minutes turned into an hour before the three brothers decided to go back into the house- thankfully it wasn't trashed, but their parents hadn't arrived yet. Offender located the letter their mother sent and read the date. All of sudden a mixture of relief and impending doom consumed them. Today was the 22nd. Their parents were due on the 25th. Slender misread it as the 23rd.

Splendor grinned. "Oh, this is good news. I gotta tell Slendy."

Trender and Offender begged him not to and chased him up the stairs. But it was too late, Splendy had already reached Slender's office. "Slendy, Slendy," cheered Splendor. "It's okay. We didn't need to rush- our parents are coming on the 25th."

Slender stared at him with complete and utter silence. Underneath his desk, Slender revealed a bottle of chloroform and poured it onto a rag. Inhale. Slender slumped back in his chair.

Offender said, "Hey, Trender, should we-"

Trender held up his hand. "Please, I'm Mudman now." He turned and walked away. Splendor returned to care for his kittens, and Offender went down to the kitchen for a bottle of whisky.


	6. Dawn of the Idiots

There's going be a…change at the end for you readers.

:^)

* * *

Ten minutes late- great. Joyce stood in front of Slenderman's office, his symbol engraved on his door. First, she slept in and then remembered Snow White wanted to speak to her and Rake's group about their 'appalling' behaviour. She sighed and hid a flask full of vodka in her back pocket and slid the door open.

"IT'S ABOUT TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIME!" screamed Rake, who almost blew Joyce's eardrums out. "I thought my skin was gonna be part of the leather chair by the time you arrived!"

Joyce's cheeks flared up a bright red. "Yeah, well, I'll dump your ass-chair outside and let the rabbits take a giant piss on you!"

Rake leapt up from his chair. "You wanna go? Right here, right now?!"

Rolling up the sleeves of her fleece, Joyce slammed her fists together. "There's gonna be two hits in this fight- me hitting you and you hitting the ground."

Before they were in arm's reach, two black tentacles reached out and separated the two frenemies. He sat them at opposite ends, with Bob and Tails being their barrier.

Slender rubbed where his eyes would've been located, tired that this was the fourth time in a month they had to be called in. "Why is it that when anything bad happens, it's always you four?"

Nobody answered. Rake huffed and tapped his foot against the ground, Tails sat back thinking about food, imagining himself being pregnant with a freshly cooked chicken, Bob laid back in his seat looking high, and Joyce stared at the wall to the right with her arms crossed.

Slender continued, "Every day, every single day, I wake up dreading what you four morons have done to this house. And how you'll manage to destroy it. Don't any of you understand?"

Rake's eyes rolled so far back into his head he looked possessed by a demon. "Slender, you wouldn't know dread if it snapped your little pink bra."

The other three snorted in amusement, restraining their giggles.

Slender's nails dug into the desk before letting out a banshee's scream with his tentacles wiggling in every corner of the room. He sprung to his feet, lifted his desk, broke it in half over his thigh and began throwing book and paintings around his room. It was if a huge tornado filled with wasps ripped every page out every book. "I never have time for myself, when do I get me-time? I'm sick of this place, I have to constantly shovel everyone's shit up."

Rake's eyes popped out of his head and Joyce already sprinted to the door. Outside, the group, tense and scared, caught a breath next to the office door as the roars and destruction behind the walls only grew louder than a storm.

Bob let out a shaky gust of air with a nervous smile. "For a moment there, I thought we were gone-"

"YOU, YOU DID THIS TO ME," boomed Slender, loud enough to shatter glass. Loud thumps of footsteps followed and approached them at a fast rate. The group flung themselves onto the bannisters and slid down as Slender chased after them, his face and sharp teeth revealed and with his arms outstretched. On the last staircase, Slender tripped and spun in the air like a ballerina, letting out a cry and dropped to the floor like pig slop.

The Creepypastas stood and stared at them in shock.

Tails flew his arms in the air. "Rage mode- everyone bail."

Jane and Jeff leapt through the windows, Ben shifted through the TV, Eyeless Jack fled to his basement, the proxies retreated to the kitchen table, and Laughing Jack hid in the broom closet. Rake's group sprinted outside into the forest and ran for minutes to gain enough distance from the manor- by now Slender was lifting the place off its foundation.

They stopped at a log to catch their breath. "Um," said Tails, "What now?"

Rake shrugged. "We walk until we find something."

Not wanting to be bored out of his mind, he would rather listen to Trender rant for four hours straight, Tails thought of an alternative activity. "Hey, can we go to the human realm, please?"

"Nope."

Joyce narrowed her eyes. "Who put you in charge?"

Rake twirled around, hands on hips with an I-want-to-speak-to-your-manager smile. "Because a dumb doll, armless twig and ugly gremlin just aren't leadership quality- unlike me."

"You? You're the one who's naked and sleeps in the same room with another naked thing. Two dudes with bare asses and you say you're leadership quality?"

Bob sighed. "Let's vote. For once, can we have a day where you two don't try and kill each other."

"Fine," said Rake. They casted their vote- one vote from Tails for Joyce, one vote from Bob for Rake. The biggest failure since when the cops tried to save a black bag from drowning.

 _xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx_

Meanwhile, Slender regained consciousness and groaned. A massive lump grew from his head. Still sprawled across the floor, he tried to stand and cried in pain- broken shin. He looked up to the staircase to see Smile Dog, yawning and stretching before trotting down the stairs.

"Here boy, here boy, get the phone for me and I'll give you a treat," said Slender with a high pitched voice.

Smile flattened his ears and titled his head. He looked at the phone then back at Slender. Phone. White man. Smile sat on the carpet and rubbed his ass against it, pulling himself into the living room.

"No, bad dog! Bad!" he shrieked. His tentacle reached for a wall and Slender dragged himself to a phone. He pushed the buttons and dialled for Splendor. "Splendor, where are you?"

"I'm with my children of course!" Oh yes, the kittens. "We're at the park. They're just so cute."

"Whatever. Look, I've tripped over Smile and-"

Splendor gasped. "Is he okay?!"

"Yes, but I've broken my sh-"

Splendor hung up. Slender's jaw dropped open. He growled and slammed the buttons for Offender.

Loud, thumping club beats played in the background. "Yeah, bro, whaddya want?" The music drowned out Offender's yells.

"I've broken my shin."

"Bro, what's wrong with your sneeze?"

Slender's brain began to melt. "No, I've _broken_ my _shin_."

"You're taking a shit? Dude, that's nasty. Don't call me on that stuff." Offender hung up.

Slender may as well have broken his neck and be spared of this stupidity. In an act of desperation, he called Trender, the pain in his leg growing fiery and unable to take any more.

"Yes, honey?" answered Trender, no doubt flicking his limp gay wrist.

"Help me, I've broken my shin," pleaded Slender.

"Uh-huh."

Slender paused. "…I'll just hang up now."

"Mhm."

Slender buried his head into his arm and softly wept. This is his punishment for saying Lord Zalgo's voice sounded like Satan smoking a blunt.

 _xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx_

"Okay, here's how it's gonna work," said Bob, enthusiastic they could come to an agreement. "Rake, Joyce, you'll give each other a challenge. The person who fails to accept won't be leader."

Rake and Joyce nodded in understanding and stared at each other. Rake opened his mouth first, "I dare you, Joyce Nyström, to knock out Clockwork with one punch."

Joyce blinked and then smiled. "Sure thing." Oddly, she didn't seem fazed. Rake scratched his head until Bob reminded him that Joyce was 5'10, 180 pounds of muscle, and an avid kickboxer. Rake gasped and ran after her, followed by Bob, and Tails laughing his lungs out. Rake begged Joyce and Bob to let him change the challenge. Neither would have it. Especially Joyce, who just wanted some action.

They found a portal and, as scheduled, Clockwork stepped through and glanced at the group. "What? What's with all the crack-whore-hobo-teeth looks?"

Joyce drove forward, her entire weight poured into her fist to slam Clockwork with the force of a billion suns. Legend has it that Clockwork's soul was sent to another dimension, and Joyce hailed from the great Native American Beat-a-bitch tribe.

Clockwork's eyes rolled to the back of her head and she dropped to the ground like a fly. Joyce popped her knuckles and turned to Rake, a nasty, malicious grin stretched across her cheeks. "Rake, I dare you to…" She leaned in right up into Rake's annoyed frown. "To kiss Bob for one whole minute. On the mouth too, before you get clever."

Rake's mouth dropped open and he exchanged looks with Bob and her. She had sprung this perfect bear trap on him, and his leg was caught. There was no escape, he'd have to sacrifice his pride, all these months establishing himself as the leader, the alpha, the fearsome Rake- for nought! He could either accept and still be a contender for the leadership or lose his position, one he held dearly to his heart for more than 300 years, as he had in the olden days with he and Bob against the forces of the world. The beating drums of his heart echoed in his ears, the thunder roared as heavy clouds moved overhead- the time had come.

"I…," said Rake, staring into the abyss, which stared back- Joyce's unblinking eyes and thin dots for pupils waited in anticipation. "I decline." For weeks to come, Rake would be branded the shameful title…a bitch.

Joyce screamed in victory and jumped up and down while Tails's jaw hit the floor. Joyce spun around. "From this day forward, I hereby declare Rake's new name- Assdick!"

"Where'd you get that from?" asked Tails, who leapt onto her shoulder.

"It's a mix between asshole and dickhead."

They jumped through the portal while Bob and Rake trailed behind. First stop, the cinema. But before entering the street, the boys had to shift into their human forms- all attractive young men in their early twenties- as they had to blend into society, and nobody would suspect beautiful people of murder. Much to Joyce's annoyance. They walked past several buildings, mostly consisting of cramped flats. An argument between a mother and daughter could be heard from one of the higher floors. The group stopped at a bus stop and listened in.

"I'm sick and tired of you on that phone, young lady!" screamed the mother.

"Give my phone back. Just leave me alone."

"Not a chance. You're gonna sit with your family or else you'll be in trouble."

"What have I done now?" The daughter sounded like a whale giving birth.

"You ain't doing jack! Go get a job or at least improve your grades. You see this? This has gotta stop."

"Screw you, bitch, gimme-"

"That's it!" The phone was fired from the window and landed with a crack. Footsteps came from inside and became louder as the two stormed down the stairs. The mother kicked the door open with a hammer in her grip, as her daughter begged her not to continue.

"No, mum, _STOOOOOOOOP_!" cried the daughter, as she watched her mum squealing out like a kettle sucking the soul out of everyone in the kitchen. Each hit brought more crying and yelling.

Rake fought back laughter. The bus arrived in time, and the passengers gawked at the pair of crazies making a racket on the side of the street.

Joyce and Tails sat together, minding their own business. Joyce's phone buzzed and she checked the caller- Jeff. Weird. She answered.

"Hey, uh, Jane," Jeff slurred, barely comprehensible. He must be smashed from drinking. "J-Joyce, can you call my phone? My penis is stuck. Stuck in the muck. Stuck in the butt."

"What the fuck?" She shook her head and hung up. God, why was everyone so weird? She was ready to down a shot of whisky, but left it for the meantime. The bus pulled up near the cinema and the group got off with Tails running at full speed.

For some reason, a sense of dread fell over Joyce. Trudging behind Rake and Bob, she knew she'd be happier locked in a room alone.

Later in the evening, back at the manor, Joyce watched Splendor play with Sally. She and Rake sat across from each other on the kitchen table.

"Do you ever feel like you're a failure?" she asked, her fingers playing with the vodka flask.

"Like everyone's going places and you're just stuck."

Rake arched an eyebrow and leaned back in the chair. "That's a little dark, even for you." He noticed Joyce watching the Pastas, laughing and smiling, with a gloomy frown. "Don't tell me you're jealous."

"No," she mumbled. Another shot of vodka. "I wish Splendor didn't bring me to this godforsaken hellhole. He wouldn't have tried to kill me when he had one of his rage fits, and I wouldn't be stuck in all those foster homes." She finished her drink and shook the flask, a small whine emitting from her throat when it turned out empty.

A sympathetic smile crossed Rake's face. A rare sight. "I remember when I was eight too. I mutated into this creature." He kicked his feet up. "Couldn't even walk or breathe, I was in so much agony. But I get you, I never had a childhood either. It does come back to bite you."

"So that's why you're such a bitter bastard."

Rake laughed. "Yeah, well, Bob kept me sane enough. But you." He leaned forward and tapped her skull with a long claw. "There's a different story in there."

Joyce rolled her eyes and laid her head on the table. The ticking of the clock echoed in her head and, eventually, the living room's noises died down, leaving silence in the dining area. She looked up, staggered to the fridge for a bottle of rum before popping the lid and chugging it down.

"Killing two birds with one stone, eh? Drowning your liver _and_ your sorrows. I always knew you were good at multi-tasking," said Rake.

Joyce grunted. Her back slumped into a chair beside Rake, her eyes drooped and in seconds her head fell to the table. Whenever Rake tried to question her, she could only whine. Soon all noises cut. Rake poked her with a claw, saying her name three times before he realised she had blacked out. Unbelievable.

Bob appeared at the doorway with Tails on his shoulder, their cheerful smiles turned worrisome when they saw the two. Rake explained what happened and Bob shook his head. Shifting Joyce's limp body into his arms, Rake carried her up to her bedroom and laid her down on the covers, Tails pulled a small blanket over her and opted to stay watch for a few hours in case she awoke.

Rake closed the bedroom door. "I hate this place too, you know."

"We're only here for a few more weeks," said Bob.

"I'm tired already. Of all this. Her drinking doesn't help either." An awkward silence followed between them.

"Remember when she was eight? Those were… better times."

"Yeah, well, those times will never come back. You've gotta let go sometimes, Bob." He placed a hand on his friend's shoulder and shook it. "Anyway, cheer up. I need my beauty sleep for tomorrow." Strolling towards the bedroom door, Rake hadn't noticed Bob remained in place until he gripped the door knob and turned his head. "Oh, come on."

"It's not right," he said. Bob's head hung low. "I mean, I helped you, there's no harm in trying to help her. Right?"

Rake waved a dismissive hand. "Listen, you can't save them all. Joyce is like a jigsaw puzzle and most of the pieces are missing. And no matter how hard you look, they'll never turn up. We aren't psychiatrists here." He approached Bob and wrapped an arm around him. "Bob, look at me."

Bob lifted his head and saw Rake stare through him with eyes as cold and as piercing as icicles.

"Joyce is a train going full speed while the brakes are broken and there's a big twist coming up. If I were you, I'd jump off this ride, and leave with a few bruises."

With that, Rake pulled Bob into their bedroom, where _Time_ by Pink Floyd played quietly on the radio.

 _And then one day you find ten years have got behind you._ _No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun._

 _So you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking._ _Racing around to come up behind you again._ _The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older._ _Shorter of breath and one day closer to death._

 _Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time._ _Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines._ _Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way. T_ _he time is gone, the song is over, thought I'd something more to say_

* * *

 **Author's note:** So I feel an explanation is in order.

2 months ago (January) I was diagnosed with severe depression. Yes, I've been suicidal. As you can imagine, it's hard to write comedy when you're feeling horrible all the time and everything is going wrong. The only way I write comedy is by making myself laugh. My mind just simply isn't the right state to be funny. There's been problems not only with myself but also with school which enraged me these past few days.

The ending itself was more of an experiment. I wanted to see if I can make my readers laugh but also cry- being flexible with those emotions is a great achievement for me. Now, if I didn't achieve that, don't worry, I've something else planned for when this book finishes.

 **If you didn't like the change of theme, or the ending, don't fret, I have two new stories planned- this chapter was just different.** I wanted to try something new.

Thanks for reading.


	7. Anger Management

I'd first like to apologise for the poor quality of the story. My depression has been hard-hitting and writing humour has been a struggle. I know it doesn't excuse me, it's just an explanation.

Try to enjoy though.

* * *

"Where are we going?" Slender asked, looking in all directions. They headed to some crazy place, that's for sure, as Offender and Splendor linked arms with him to prevent him from running while Trender led the way. No doubt swaying his hips as he passed men, which worked as well as flies being attracted to the stink of a hunk of shit.

Slender saw the building. He gasped and dug his heels into the tarmac, fighting against the two brothers. "No stop, you bastards! I'm not going in there. I don't need help- I'll meditate or whatever, just don't send me in there."

"This is for your own good, Slendy," said Trender, barely acknowledging Slender's cries.

Tentacles sprouted from Slender's back and tried to pry himself free. This resulted in a cluster of thirty tentacles wriggling in the air and wrapped around each other. Trender rolled his eyes at these creatures, such bickering and impulsiveness would never be witnessed by a god such as himself. Why would he- with divine beauty and elegance? Wherever he walked, the people split to the sides in honour of his graciousness like Moses parting the Red Sea. And now with this fight broken out, he would simply strut over there and his holy voice would cease all violence.

Until one of Slender's tentacles slapped Trender's glasses into the fourth dimension. Trender let out a screech sounding like tires and leapt into the fight. Slender had his mouth open with all the yelling and was soon full with Trender's tentacles thrusting it in and out of his mouth. "Huh? You think it's funny now?! HUH?! You laughing now?!"

The chaos continued until they noticed Lord Zalgo staring at them with his jaw hitting the ground. At once, the brothers stopped fighting and retracted their tentacles. Neither of the Pastas broke eye contact. Trender lifted his arm and pointed at a coffee cup in Zalgo's hand. "Is that…Starbucks?"

Zalgo's eyes widened- oh no. He couldn't be seen as a hipster. "None of your damn business!" He chucked the cup at Trender, who dodged and the coffee stained Slender's suit.

Slender screamed to the heavens and charged at Zalgo. Like a karate master, Zalgo stuck his leg out and Slender tripped, smacking his face into the tarmac. Zalgo got down on his knees and held Slender in a chokehold. Both Pastas yelled at each other, with Zalgo tightening his grip and Slender's tentacles yanking on Zalgo's horns, moving his head like a bubblehead's.

Rake and Jane walked down the street and stopped at the fight. Rake grinned. "Hoo-boy, look at that!" If he had a gun, Rake would've been shooting the air while hopping on his two feet while wearing a cowboy hat.

Zalgo and Slender exchanged insults, including: skinny bitch, red fatass, shiny mcbald, and Lord Dick. Both of them kept going at it, neither could stop.

Rake smirked and leaned into Jane. "Let me show you how to get this party started." He inhaled a big gulp of air. "Wow Slender, I never knew you took it in the ass!" Laughter followed his comment.

Zalgo and Slender stopped, both embarrassed.

Jane chewed gum and had her phone recording the entire session. "Can't wait for the wedding," she said. "Anyway, here's the place. I'll see you later, jackass." She turned around and walked away.

"Thanks again!" Rake yelled, waving at her. "You're much better than Ass the Killer."

Jane gave a limp wave. "I know Rakey, I know." She disappeared once she turned a corner.

Slender opened his mouth, but noticed his brothers had already booked it and sprinted down the street, almost out of view. "Where- where are we?" He asked, sounding like a lost little boy.

Zalgo released him from a headlock and brushed himself off. "Anger management classes."

"Yeah," Rake added, "I think our therapist is called Miss Phantom or something like that."

The three Pastas burst through the door like supermodels, checked in at reception and went to room 2A. In there was a cosy room with sofas and chairs in a circle, with a leather chair at the centre front, no doubt for the therapist. Several Creepypastas sat around the room, fulling it to its full capacity. The talking quietened down when they recognised Rake, Zalgo and Slender- they were the highest ranking Pastas in the UnderRealm, it was unusual to see them mingle with the common folk. Abominations and killers alike wilted when Zalgo, their Lord and Creator, strolled past them. Or maybe he was just ugly as hell.

Rake sat down on the chair. Slender and Zalgo sat on chairs which broke under their fat asses. Rake sputtered with laughter. No matter, Slender made a chair out of tentacles while Zalgo was left to sulk and cross his arms, sitting on the floor like a dirty hallion and peasant. Next he'll be dressing up in rags with a bonnet too small for his head.

The door swung open to reveal a woman dressed in her finest clothes- a blouse and pencil skirt, with a large grin plastered on her face. "Mornin' everyoooone!" she sang and skipped to her seat like a spring lamb.

Rake already wished there was mute button, so instead of talking she would vibrate violently, terrified.

"I hope you're all feeling well today." She scanned her eyes down the clipboard. "As you know, I'm Miss Phantom and I'll be your therapist for our session over the next few weeks. We'll start today by introducing ourselves to our peers."

One by one people introduced themselves like it was circle time back in school. Rake introduced himself as the local prostitute, except without the prostitution part and mostly nakedness. Slender said he was scared around these strangers, as if he saw a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle's dick, and Zalgo said his name, but when asked to repeat himself since nobody heard him, he proceeded to make a sound like a nuke was dropped next to microphone. Everyone covered their ears.

"Um, I actually haven't paid yet," said Slender.

In a flash, Miss Phantom's grin fell into an enraged stare, her lips curled and down and her eyelids widened. Her pupils got smaller and pierced through Slender's soul. No words were spoken.

Slender rubbed the back of his neck. "Aaand, can I go to the toilet f-"

"Yeah, well, I'll make sure you fucking shit yourself before you leave, Shitman!"

Rake's eyes began to water from holding in his laughter, his entire upper body bobbing up and down.

"Get fucked, everyone's afraid of you because we all know you jam those tentacles up your asshole!" She lifted an apple juice box and squeezed the entire liquid down her throat, growling as she did so.

Miss Phantom's face softened as the room was silent. "Okay, well, we're going to try some exercises. This will help us gain control of our emotions and understanding of situations be separating our minds from our bodies. Kinda like apple juice and me," she laughed. No one else did. "All pair up into twos and threes, guys."

Zalgo and Slender glared at each other, Rake didn't really care and wanted to leave. He noticed that Miss Phantom had finished her third juice box in a span of ten minutes. They had to perform a roleplay of an enraging situation, then observe what solutions there were instead of getting angry.

Rake was to play the part of the rebellious teenager. Slender was the meek and submissive wife who only got choked up at weddings and his dream husband- a man with long flowing blond hair. Zalgo was the father who hated the whole family and ready to strangle his son and divorce his wife for a man who could suck dick like a black hole. When their turn to roleplay came, Rake sat on the chair with his arms crossed and everyone held back snickers with Slender in a pink apron.

Zalgo stormed up to Slender, grabbed a chair and broke into it pieces on the ground. "EEEEEEEEYEEEEEEK, where's mah money?"

Slender looked like a deer in headlights. "W-what this isn't what we-"

"Yeah," Rake added, "Where's mah money, ma?"

"Guys, guys? Why are you-"

Rake leaped up and grabbed a pole and so did Zalgo. Rake began waving the pole. "We don' take kah-dly to strang'rs 'round these parts." He swung the pole and hit Slender in the shin.

Zalgo hit him on the head. "Ah don' take kah-dly to white men 'round these parts, par'ner."

Zalgo and Rake released all their energy into beating Slender, their arms swinging like propellers. Rake homed in on Slender's shin and crotch while Zalgo targeted his ass and the back of his knees. Their smiles grew into giggles which escalated into full blown laughter. Meanwhile, Slender screamed as high-pitched as an eight year old girl, his hands flapping everywhere to protect himself. He fell to the floor and shifted into a foetal position, crying, sobbing, wanting to see his momma.

Rake hit Slender so hard he sent himself into mid-air. Slender's ass became so swollen and large that it looked like his ass ate his leg.

"And so you see kids," said Miss Phantom, "it's healthy to vent out your frustration and anger." She lifted a can of apple juice and sucked it so hard she almost ate the can. "Now you wait here while I get something."

Once Rake and Zalgo finished giving Slender a beating, the two relaxed and laughed, throwing a single arm over each other's shoulders, sharing a bond that could never be broken by a mortal soul. The other Creepypastas watched, envious, from afar. They would love to be like Rake or Zalgo, and watch them to learn how to become as powerful as the two, even when Rake and Zalgo would take their dumps.

Zalgo placed his hand on Rake's shoulder. "S-son," he sniffled, "Ahm proud of yeh."

"Thanks, paw," he said, his eyes twinkling from the praise.

"The choice is yawz- come wit' your paw, or come wit' your ma."

"I chose you, paw."

The two hugged. It turned out these anger management classes were amazing.

Meanwhile, Slender's regeneration abilities were working overtime tying to heal the pain and bruising. He may have also broken his shin again. He ripped off the stupid pink apron. Using his tentacles, Slender dragged himself quickly towards the door to get away from Zalgo and Rake.

In order to find Miss Phantom, as she had disappeared for a long time, Rake and Zalgo walked over Slender, ignoring his squeals, and down the corridor to the manager's office. Rake found it odd with a lack of certificates on the walls.

Upon opening the doors, seeing Miss Phantom with bags on money and an open safe shocked the duo. Miss Phantom stared at them and the duo stared back. Slowly, Miss Phantom set the money bags down, whipped out a can of apple juice and a straw and snorted the juice up her nose like a powerful hoover. She sighed happily when she emptied the can.

Rake blinked himself back into reality. "What, uh, what're you doing with all that money?"

"For apple juice," she said.

Weirded out, the pair said nothing more and allowed Miss Phantom to carry on her merry way out the front doors and into a shop to no doubt purchase every can of apple juice.

Back down the corridor, Rake gasped and pointed at Slender trying to crawl away. Rake ran towards his mother. "Here," he said, pulling out a wheelchair. "Have a nice rest. A real nice rest."

"Yeah. Nice," added Zalgo.

"Nice."

"Real nice," said Zalgo.

Slender dragged himself across the floor and gently lowered himself onto the wheelchair. "Hey…Lord Zalgo…I've always been a loving wife, right?"

"You've been an entertaining wife." Zalgo gave a nod to Rake.

Rake smirked and gripped the handle bars. He ran forward and Slender squealed as the walls and pictures flew past him. Moving faster than a prostitute whose rent was due tomorrow, Slender saw his life flash before his eyes, from coddled in his mother's arms, to becoming bald to getting his first suit to finding out he somehow had 20 wives and 20 kids.

Flying.

Rake pushed Slender down the stairs and held hands with Zalgo as they skipped away out the front door like two springtime girls.

An hour passed and the Slender brothers waited for Slendy to come out. The session must be extremely effective if it's taking such a long time. Splendor wondered why most of the lights were off though. The double doors burst open, Slender's arms held up in the air as if he came to speak the word of Jesus, before collapsing.

Offender and Splendor held their brother over their shoulder.

Trender said, "What hap-"

"No, no please," mumbled Slender. "Take me home."

Offender laughed. "Hell no, we're going to party!"

Slender clenched his teeth and swung his fist at Offender knocking him out cold. Offender's legs spread out as if he was about to give birth. Trender and Splendor carried Slender home and looked forward to an evening without Offender blasting his air horn of a mouth in their ears.


	8. Update!

It's been a while and a lot has happened, but I'll keep it short. My depression has cleared up a lot since I'm on the right medication, although some symptoms still remain. I've recently been diagnosed with Autism (Asperger's Syndrome) which kinda gave me mixed results about myself but that's something I need to work out on my own.

Most importantly, what's happening with my Creepypasta stories? Well, I was really into the fandom when I was 13-14 when I wrote these stories. Now I'm 17 and simply put, I grew up. Creepypasta no longer interests me, and even now I'm changing and clearing my blog to allow me to move on.

I WILL finish my stories, I can promise that since I always hated when authors would disappear without another word. Just keep in mind my heart's not in it anymore. Which is why Creepypasta Shenanigans will probably end in 2-3 chapters soon.

Honestly, a small part of me wishes I still belonged to the fandom, because I've made everyone's days better with laughter. But I can't stop myself growing up, and it's not fair to you guys if I'm pumping out half-decent stories.

Have a good day, everyone. I love you all.


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